Faith Tested
“Or someone may be chastened on a bed of pain with constant distress in their bones”
— Job 33:19 (NIV)
I've been studying the Book of Job lately, and something happened when I reached Chapter 33 that really caught my attention.
Elihu was speaking to Job about how God communicates with us, how suffering can sometimes serve a purpose beyond what we understand, and how a person lying in a bed of pain can still experience restoration.
And there I was.
Lying in bed. Hurting. My neck, my back, my head, my bones, my entire body seemingly going through something I couldn't fully explain or understand.
For months now, I've been trying to find relief from the injuries I sustained in my automobile accident. Some days have been manageable. Others have been absolutely excruciating. There have been moments when I didn't know what was happening to my body, moments when I was frightened, and moments when all I could do was lie there and pray.
So when I read those words in Job, they hit differently.
Elihu goes on to describe the possibility of restoration, of someone being renewed, finding favor with God, and rejoicing again.
Now, I'm not saying that God caused my accident, that I'm being punished, or that I somehow know the reason behind my suffering. I don't.
And I understand that Elihu's words are part of a much larger conversation in Job, one that doesn't necessarily explain why Job himself suffered.
But I do know that those words spoke to me.
Because something unusual has been happening throughout all this.
While my body has been going through what feels like absolute turmoil, my spiritual life has been growing stronger.
I'm getting closer to God. I'm spending more time in His Word. I'm learning things about myself, about faith, about patience, about surrendering control, and about what it means to become a better human being.
It's almost like I'm living two completely different lives inside the same body.
One is suffering physically.
The other is growing spiritually.
And somehow, they're both happening at the same time.
I don't even feel like the same person I was before all this happened. I still feel like me, of course, but the older version of myself feels increasingly distant. Almost like I'm looking back at someone I used to know.
Something is changing.
Something is growing.
Something is being born.
I don't know exactly what God has planned for me, or where any of this is leading. I don't know when my body will finally recover, or what tomorrow will bring.
But I do know that my suffering hasn't stopped me from seeking Him.
And maybe that's what I've been learning about faith.
It's one thing to believe when everything is going well. It's another to continue believing when your circumstances are falling apart, your body is hurting, and you can't see what's waiting on the other side.
My faith is being tested.
And even through the suffering, I'm choosing to rejoice.
October 6 — Creativity Doesn't Stop
Earlier this month, on Tuesday, October 6, I found myself writing another screenplay.
I hadn't planned on writing one. I was researching something, and somehow an idea started developing. One thought led to another, and before I knew it, I was putting together an entirely new story.
That's something I've been experiencing lately. Even with all the pain and limitations, my creativity hasn't stopped.
I've been writing music, working on stories, developing websites, and coming up with ideas for projects I want to pursue.
I've also been interested in the upcoming movie I Play Rocky, about Sylvester Stallone's journey toward making Rocky. There's something about that kind of determination that inspires me.
I have my own creative ambitions, and even though I don't know exactly where they'll lead, I'm still pursuing them.
It's interesting how I can be physically struggling and still feel so mentally and creatively active.
Some days I can barely find a comfortable position to lie down.
Yet my mind is still creating.
Thursday, October 8 — Seek First His Kingdom
Thursday, October 8, brought an unexpected encounter.
My mobile mechanic, Skyler, came over with his brother to work on a loved one's vehicle.
While they were there, I noticed something on the back of his brother's shirt.
It was Scripture.
Matthew 6:33.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
I said something about the shirt, and that started a conversation.
We began talking about faith, and I ended up explaining what had been happening in my life since the automobile accident. The physical pain, the difficulties getting treatment, the uncertainty, and everything I'd been trying to work through.
After listening, he wanted to pray over me.
And he did.
I even took a picture of the Scripture on his shirt.
I found that encounter meaningful.
Here I was, trying to draw closer to God, studying His Word, and making an effort to put Him first in my life. Then I happened to notice a Scripture about seeking His kingdom first, and that simple observation led to someone praying over me.
I didn't plan any of that.
It just happened.
And I appreciated it.
Thursday Night — Back in the Emergency Room
Unfortunately, later that evening, my physical condition became frightening again.
The pressure in my head and behind my eyes was intense. My eyes were bloodshot. I was experiencing severe pain in my neck, the back of my head, and around the base of my skull.
The dizziness was terrible.
I was frightened because I didn't know what was happening.
After months of dealing with these symptoms, I was once again in an emergency room trying to get some answers.
I explained to the doctor what I'd been experiencing since the July 6 automobile accident, including the delays and difficulties I'd encountered trying to receive consistent medical treatment and diagnostic testing.
And his reaction caught me off guard.
He wasn't simply concerned.
He expressed anger and confusion about why I'd been going through all of this without getting the care and testing I needed.
He even told me that I needed to sue my attorneys.
Those were his words.
I wasn't expecting to hear something like that from an emergency room doctor.
He also discussed the possibility that the pain I was experiencing involved the muscles, tendons, and ligaments around my neck and head, and advised me to continue following up with pain management.
I received a CT scan that evening.
I left still needing answers, but the doctor's reaction stayed with me.
That night, I also reached out to friends and people from church asking for prayers.
I was scared.
And I needed those prayers.
Doc, Wesley, Raymond, Judith, Ron, Hunter, Frank, Mr. Mac, Jerry, Ofelia, Robert, Joe, and others responded with encouragement and support.
I'm grateful for every person who took the time to pray for me.
Sometimes when you're lying in pain and don't know what's happening to your body, simply knowing that someone is thinking about you and praying for you means a great deal.
Friday, October 9 — Difficult Decisions
Friday was supposed to be my first day at a new job.
The opportunity had come to me unexpectedly through someone else. It wasn't something I'd been actively searching for, but when it was offered, I accepted.
I wanted to work.
I wanted to get back to some kind of normal routine.
And I was hoping my body would allow me to do it.
But after the emergency room visit the night before, I knew I wasn't in any condition to begin.
I even considered whether I could receive treatment and somehow make it to work afterward.
But I couldn't.
I was in too much pain.
I contacted the employer and explained what had happened.
Thankfully, they were very understanding. They encouraged me to focus on getting better and told me that if another opportunity became available later, they'd be willing to consider me again.
That meant a lot.
It was disappointing to have to step away from another opportunity because of my injuries, but I appreciated the compassion they showed me.
That same Friday, I made another major decision.
I changed my legal representation.
It wasn't a decision I made without thinking about it. I'd been discussing my situation with people I trusted, including my father and my friend and pastor, Mr. Mac. I'd also been reflecting on what I'd experienced with my medical care and the comments made during the emergency room visit.
I needed to feel that I was moving forward.
So I made the change.
For me, it was a leap of faith.
I didn't know exactly what would happen next, but I felt that continuing down the same path wasn't getting me where I needed to be.
And that connects to something else I've been thinking about lately.
Sometimes you have to release things that are no longer serving your growth or well-being.
Not necessarily because they're bad, but because something needs to change.
I've been exploring the idea of a vacuum effect: making room in your life by letting go of what no longer belongs there.
I don't know what the outcome of every decision will be.
But I can make a decision, take action, and trust God with what comes next.
The Weekend — Learning to Endure
That weekend was difficult.
I was still dealing with considerable pain, spending a lot of time resting and trying to find some kind of comfort.
My father has been helping me almost every evening.
He'll massage my back, use gua sha, and try to work on some of the areas that have been giving me so much trouble.
I know he can't fix everything.
But he tries.
And I appreciate that more than I can explain.
I've also been reflecting on how I want to conduct myself throughout this experience.
I also designed a new hoodie for myself, incorporating a personal reminder of how I want to conduct myself in this life, how I should respond to others, and how I can continue striving to live upright before God.
It's something meaningful to me personally.
Sunday, October 11, brought some sad news.
Mary, my mother's best friend since high school, told me that her brother had passed away.
She'd mentioned earlier that he was ill.
Hearing that he'd passed was heartbreaking.
I was already dealing with my own struggles, but here was someone close to my family experiencing a completely different kind of suffering.
I wanted to offer my condolences and support, even though my physical condition was limiting what I could do.
It reminded me that everyone is going through something.
We all have our own trials.
And regardless of what we're experiencing personally, there's always room for compassion toward someone else.
Monday, October 12 — An Unexpected Visit to Grace Point
Monday, I was in Portland receiving treatment for my neck and back.
Afterward, I decided to stop by Grace Point Church.
I hadn't scheduled a visit.
I hadn't called ahead.
I just felt like going.
When I arrived, there was a funeral taking place.
Seeing that affected me, especially after hearing about Mary's brother the day before.
I couldn't help thinking about the people gathered there and the grief they were experiencing.
I waited in the lobby until Hunter came out.
Then we went back to his office and talked.
I explained what had been going on with my health, but I also told him about something else that had been growing within me.
I wanted to get more involved in the church.
I wanted to understand Scripture more deeply.
I wanted to learn how to study the Bible with more structure and discipline.
I told him I felt like I needed a curriculum, something that would help me develop a stronger foundation in God's Word.
Hunter shared some ideas with me, including information about seminary education in Corpus Christi.
We also discussed the Book of Job.
And while we were talking about Job's suffering and the trials people experience throughout life, I shared a statement that had been on my mind:
“Untested faith cannot be trusted.”
That's something I've been thinking about a lot.
It's one thing to say we have faith when everything is going well.
But what happens when we're suffering?
When we don't understand what's happening?
When we're praying for relief and the relief hasn't arrived?
That's when our trust is challenged.
It doesn't mean someone has to suffer to prove their faith is real.
But trials can reveal things about our faith that we might never have recognized otherwise.
I also showed Hunter MyDailyBread.online, the website I've been developing for my own spiritual, mental, and physical growth, along with HopeScroll.life, which I created to help bring more Scripture into everyday life.
We had a meaningful conversation.
Before I left, I suggested that we get together sometime outside the church.
Hunter suggested Wednesday.
And just like that, we had plans to meet for lunch.
Tuesday, October 13 — Doing What I Can
Tuesday, I returned to physical therapy.
I received dry needling and manual deep-tissue treatment.
I've had interruptions in my physical therapy over the past several months, and I'm hoping to get back into a more consistent treatment routine.
I've been learning a tremendous amount about muscles, mobility, rehabilitation, and different approaches to managing pain.
Sometimes I joke that I'm going to come out of this whole experience knowing enough to become a physiotherapist.
I've even created my own Cervicalgia Daily website to organize my neck recovery exercises and routines.
It gives me morning, afternoon, evening, and as-needed guidance, so I can keep track of what I'm doing.
Of course, I'm still trying to understand what's actually causing my symptoms, and I know that requires proper medical evaluation.
But I'm doing what I can.
I also decided to make things a little easier at home.
I bought a package of chicken and prepared several meals from it.
Chicken tacos.
An orange chicken-style dish.
And chicken caldo.
I made enough for my father and me to have food available for several days without having to cook every evening.
That may not sound like anything extraordinary, but when you're dealing with pain and limited energy, little things like that can make a difference.
I may start doing more meal preparation while I'm recovering.
Sometimes progress is simply finding a way to make tomorrow a little easier.
Wednesday, October 14 — Lunch With Hunter
Wednesday, I met Hunter for lunch.
We'd originally talked about going to a bakery café, but we ended up at a local taco restaurant and ordered birria tacos.
And we talked.
We talked about Scripture, faith, life, and everything I've been experiencing.
Physically, I was uncomfortable the entire time.
My neck and back were hurting.
I was dizzy.
I was struggling with the same symptoms that have been following me around for months.
But spiritually, I was engaged.
I was enjoying the conversation.
And I explained something to Hunter that I've been trying to put into words.
It feels like I'm living two different lives inside the same body.
My physical body is suffering.
But my spirit is growing.
While I'm struggling physically, I'm becoming more interested in Scripture, more connected to God, and more motivated to grow as a person.
It's a strange contrast.
But that's genuinely how I feel.
Hunter also shared some helpful guidance about studying the Bible and understanding what I'm reading.
And we had a particularly meaningful conversation about grace.
He explained that grace isn't simply about forgiveness or showing someone patience.
God's grace is also something that gives us the strength to endure.
Something that sustains us when we're going through circumstances we might not feel capable of handling on our own.
That led us into a discussion about Paul and the thorn in his flesh.
In 2 Corinthians 12, Paul describes pleading with God three times to remove the thorn that was troubling him.
But God didn't remove it.
Instead, He told Paul:
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
And sometimes I feel like Paul.
Sometimes I wonder whether this whole experience is keeping me humble in some way.
Maybe there's something about being physically limited that reminds us how little control we really have.
How dependent we are on God.
How quickly life can change.
I'm not saying that's definitely why I'm suffering.
I don't know why this is happening.
But I can recognize that it's been a humbling experience.
And believe me, I want this thorn removed from my side.
I want the pain to stop.
I want my body back.
I want to wake up and not have to think about whether I'm going to be dizzy, whether my head will hurt, or whether I'll be physically capable of doing the things I need to do.
I want healing.
And I continue praying for it.
But I also understand the lesson in Paul's experience.
Sometimes God's grace isn't the immediate removal of whatever we're struggling with.
Sometimes it's the strength to endure while we're going through it.
That doesn't mean I have to enjoy suffering.
And it certainly doesn't mean I'm giving up on getting better.
It means I'm learning that even in weakness, I can continue relying on God.
Hunter and I covered so many meaningful subjects during that lunch.
There were so many great discussions.
I'm already looking forward to another opportunity to spend time with him.
Wednesday — A Small Example of Awareness
Later that day, I noticed a haircut special advertised at a salon near a dollar store.
It was less than ten dollars.
And I needed a haircut.
I'd been planning to grow my hair out, but with everything I've been experiencing physically, maintaining it had become difficult.
So I decided to get it trimmed.
It was a small thing, but it made me think about something I've been learning lately: the Reticular Activating System, or RAS.
I've been studying how our attention influences what we notice around us.
When something becomes important to us, we may start recognizing opportunities or information related to it that we previously overlooked.
And I've been noticing that happening in little ways.
The haircut special was one example.
The following day, I experienced something similar.
Thursday, October 15 — Still Searching for Relief
Today, I continued looking for ways to relieve the pain.
I received cupping treatment and discovered that the same place also offered gua sha, or scraping.
And apparently, she'd been offering those services for years, or at least for as long as she'd been working at that clinic.
I've been going there for quite some time.
But I hadn't noticed.
Until today.
And I immediately thought about the RAS again.
Maybe it's because I'm becoming more intentional about looking for solutions.
I'm exploring different treatment options, asking more questions, and paying closer attention to things that might help me.
The service had been available all along.
But today, I noticed it.
Sometimes the opportunity isn't new.
Sometimes our awareness of it is.
Later, I went to a Chinese massage therapist at a place I've visited before.
Because of the language barrier, we communicated through a translator.
During the session, he found extensive areas of tightness and tenderness along both sides of my spine, from my upper back downward.
When he pressed on certain areas, I could feel sharp pain similar to the pain I've been experiencing throughout these past several months.
There were so many tight areas that I asked whether he could spend another ten minutes working on them.
But he explained that it wasn't something he could work through all at once.
It would need to be addressed gradually over multiple visits.
I appreciated that he wasn't trying to force everything in one session.
I don't know whether those areas explain everything that's been happening with my body.
But I do know that some of the pressure reproduced pain that felt very familiar.
And I'm hoping that continued treatment, along with the medical evaluations I'm pursuing, will help me understand what's going on.
Tomorrow, Friday, October 16, I have my first appointment with a new clinic that brings physical therapy, pain management, and chiropractic services together in one place.
I'm hoping that having these services coordinated will make things easier.
After that, I'm scheduled for approximately seven MRI scans.
I've been told the imaging could take three to four hours.
It's going to be a long day.
But I'm looking forward to finally getting more information about what's happening inside my body.
I want answers.
I want appropriate treatment.
And I want to get better.
Becoming Someone New
As I look back over this past week, there's something else I keep noticing.
I genuinely feel different.
Not just because of what I've been experiencing physically, but because of what's happening within me.
The person I was before all this feels increasingly distant.
I still feel like myself, but something about my perspective has changed.
My priorities are changing.
The things I spend my time thinking about are changing.
My relationship with God is growing.
And I'm becoming more intentional about the kind of person I want to be.
I've been thinking about the idea that if you want to become someone different, you have to start living as that person now.
Not tomorrow.
Not when everything is perfect.
Now.
If I want to understand Scripture, I need to study Scripture.
If I want to become more compassionate, I need to practice compassion.
If I want to become more patient, I need to practice patience.
If I want to become a better son, partner, friend, and human being, I need to make choices that reflect those qualities.
I've started following my own Bible in a Year plan through My Daily Bread, and I'm currently studying Job.
I've also enrolled in an online Bible college and begun pursuing a one-year Certificate of Bible Studies.
The school also offers a Bachelor of Biblical Studies program, and I'm considering continuing toward that degree.
I don't know whether any of this will eventually lead me into ministry or some other kind of service.
But I'm open to discovering whatever gifts and opportunities God may have for me.
I've also been exploring different spiritual and philosophical ideas, including the Law of Assumption, the 12 Universal Laws, and the relationship between our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and actions.
One idea that resonates with me is that something we initially perceive as a problem might eventually lead us toward an unexpected blessing.
One encounter leads to another.
One decision opens another possibility.
A ripple effect.
I've also been thinking about what I call the vacuum effect.
Sometimes we have to let go of old patterns, habits, relationships, or circumstances that no longer serve the person we're becoming.
Not because everything from our past was necessarily bad.
But because growth sometimes requires change.
I've been learning to look for possibilities without pretending that my problems don't exist.
I'm still hurting.
I'm still dealing with uncertainty.
And some days I'm frightened.
But I don't want fear to control every thought I have about my future.
One affirmation I've been reflecting on is:
“Infinite intelligence within me knows the solution, and it is revealing it to me in perfect time.”
For me, that expresses a desire to trust that answers can emerge while I continue doing what I can.
I don't need to know exactly how everything will work out.
I can keep taking action.
I can keep learning.
And I can keep trusting God.
Creating, Learning, and Looking Ahead
Despite the physical challenges, I've continued developing my creative projects.
I've been writing music, working on screenplays, and building websites and tools that help me organize different areas of my life.
MyDailyBread.online has become a central place for my Bible studies, spiritual development, and personal growth.
HopeScroll.life is another way I've been trying to bring more Scripture into my daily routine.
I've also been maintaining an accident recovery journal.
It's a lot to keep up with, especially while dealing with pain.
But these projects give me something meaningful to work on.
I've also been thinking about future career possibilities.
One is real estate.
I've already completed real estate school. I would need to refresh my knowledge and prepare for the state and national examinations.
That might be something I could pursue sooner.
Another possibility is massage therapy.
I've been interested in attending a program in San Antonio, although that would require a larger commitment and figuring out where I'd stay during training.
I don't know which direction I'll take.
Maybe real estate comes first.
Maybe massage therapy comes later.
Maybe something entirely different opens up.
I'm not trying to force an answer right now.
I'm simply keeping myself open to possibilities.
Words I Need to Hear
I've also created two affirmation meditations for myself.
One focuses on healing.
The other focuses on becoming a better man and a better human being.
I created them because these are things I need to hear.
The healing affirmation is about patience, peace, releasing fear, and learning to surrender what I cannot control.
My pain does not define me.
My circumstances do not defeat me.
My faith remains stronger than my fear.
Even through suffering, I choose to rejoice.
The other affirmation focuses on the kind of character I want to develop.
Patience.
Compassion.
Humility.
Discipline.
Emotional maturity.
Self-control.
Learning to respond with grace instead of anger.
Choosing love over judgment.
Becoming more aware of the thoughts, emotions, and actions that shape my life.
It also incorporates the 12 Universal Laws as spiritual and philosophical ideas I've been exploring.
I intentionally used the number 555 in the opening visuals and musical theme.
In numerology traditions, 555 is associated with transformation, change, and new beginnings.
For me, it's a personal symbol of the changes I'm experiencing and the person I'm becoming.
But above all, I want these affirmations to help me continue honoring God, renewing my mind, and becoming more intentional about how I live.
I want to become a better man.
A better son.
A better partner.
A better friend.
A better human being.
And I want my life to reflect God's love, compassion, and grace.
I'm sharing both meditations in case they might also help someone else.
Words of Affirmation — Becoming a Better Man, a Better Human
Words of Affirmation — Healing
Faith Tested, Not Abandoned
As I reflect on everything that's happened, I keep coming back to Job.
His story reminds me that suffering and faith can exist together.
And Paul's experience with the thorn in his flesh reminds me that sometimes we can pray for something to be removed and still find ourselves having to endure it.
I don't know why I'm going through all of this.
I don't know what tomorrow's appointments will reveal.
I don't know when I'll be able to work again, when the pain will subside, or when I'll finally feel physically normal.
But I know that I can continue seeking God.
I can continue learning.
I can continue creating.
I can continue trying to become the person I believe I'm meant to be.
And I can continue praying for healing.
Untested faith cannot be trusted.
That's something I shared with Hunter, and it continues to resonate with me.
I'm learning that faith isn't simply believing God will give me everything I ask for.
It's trusting Him even when I don't understand what's happening.
Even when I'm hurting.
Even when I don't have answers.
And I'm learning that grace isn't always the immediate removal of the burden.
Sometimes it's the strength to keep going while carrying it.
Paul had his thorn.
Job had his trials.
And right now, I'm facing my own.
I'm not comparing the magnitude of my suffering to theirs.
But I can learn from their experiences.
And I can continue seeking God through mine.
Tonight, as I finish writing this, I'm grateful for something.
It's Thursday evening, October 15.
And for the first time in a while, I'm feeling a little better.
The pain is still there, but tonight it's tolerable.
I'm not as dizzy.
The mental fog isn't as overwhelming.
Things just aren't as bad tonight as they've been.
And after everything I've experienced lately, I'm grateful for that.
I'm not saying I'm healed.
I'm not saying everything is fixed.
But tonight, I'm able to appreciate a little relief.
Maybe it's a sign that things are beginning to improve.
I certainly hope so.
For now, I'm thankful.
I'm hopeful.
Still hopeful.
My body is suffering, but my spirit is growing.
My story isn't over.
And neither is God's work in me.
All honor, glory, and praise belong to God.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
A moment of faith. An invitation to know Christ.
Are You Saved? ♥
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